All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned From Commercials

1.You can have an erection for the entire duration of Schindler's List and still have an hour before you should be concerned.

2.The reason I can't meet women has nothing to do with the fact that I live with my parents and can grow more body hair than one would think humanly possible, but rather because I don't use tag body spray.

3.If you do drugs your brain becomes delicious.

4. Dreams don't retire and neither does Dennis Hopper.

5. Peyton Manning can be in 7 places at the same time. Maybe that explains how he stole the SuperBowl MVP from Dominic Rhodes.

6. I have no idea what a structured settlement is but if I can find one this guy will give me cash for it:

7. I bought my car one year too early, because apparently they can fly now and balance on the edge of large buildings.

8. The reason why I didn't get all those jobs is because companies are now hiring chimpanzees, and they are hilarious.

9. Quaker Oatmeal gives you diabetes.

10. If you ruin enough skits on Saturday Night Live they let you dance on taxicabs in New York City with Parker Posey.